HARRY POTTER AND THE GAME OF STONES
SCENE 1: Exterior, Privet Drive.
Professors DUMBLEDORE and MCGONAGALL materialize, DUMBLEDORE carrying a sleeping baby.
MCGONAGALL: Do you have him?
DUMBLEDORE: Yes. (looks at baby) He may be small now, but one day this will be the most famous wizard in the world. Everyone will know his name, and he will be the most celebrated…
MCGONAGALL: He’s your bastard, isn’t he?
DUMBLEDORE: … Shut up, Minerva.
SCENE 5: Interior, an isolated lighthouse. A storm rages outside.
MR. DURSLEY: Finally, we’ve found someplace those stupid ravens and their messages can’t reach us! If I never see a raven again it will be too soon!
A booming sounds from the door.
MR. DURSLEY: What’s that?
A huge, hairy giant bursts into the room.
HARRY: You’re here to take me away?
HARRY: And I’m going to learn to be a wizard?
DUDLEY: That’s not fair! I want to be a wizard!
HAGRID removes a giant axe from his cloak and promptly decapitates DUDLEY.
HARRY: I have a feeling that all my dreams are about to come true!
SCENE 7: Exterior, Diagon Alley.
HARRY: Look at all these magical shops! The Witch’s Cauldron! Ollivander’s Wands! Flourish and Blotts!
RONN: Yeah, those are all brothels.
HARRY: Oh. What about Gringott’s Bank?
RONN: Goblin brothel. You do NOT want to go in there.
HARRY: Thanks for the advice! I’m Harry Potter.
RONN: Wait, THE Harry Potter?
HARRY: No, where I come from they give all the bastards the last name Potter. It’s a little confusing.
RONN: I’m Ronn Weasley, pleased to meet you. Have you picked out a familiar yet?
HARRY: No, but that sounds magical! What different kinds are there?
RONN: Well, there’s stags, lions, dragons, kraken—don’t pick a kraken, they’re out of style…
HARRY: What about an owl? That white one is beautiful!
A large white wolf bounds into the alley and devours the owl.
HARRY: On second thought, what about a wolf?
RONN: Good choice.
SCENE 11: Interior, Hogwarts Great Hall.
DUMBLEDORE: –And finally, all students are advised to avoid the Raping Willow. And now, it is time for the Sorting Hat Ceremony!
SORTING HAT: Gather round, ye boys and girls,
It’s time to choose your houses!
This test determines your whole fate,
So come on, move your asses!
House Targaryen is no more
Since old King A. went crazy.
For students who like horses, braids,
And bowing to Khaleesi.
HARRY: These rhymes are terrible!
HERMIONE: Settle in. This goes on for awhile.
SORTING HAT: “Winter’s coming,” House Stark says,
I’m not sure why they bother.
All the Starks that I have known
Lost heads but kept their honor.
NEARLY HEADLESS NED: Too soon!
SORTING HAT: House Baratheon’s seed is strong,
The kids all have dark hair.
At least all of the bastards,
Which are frankly everywhere.
And finally House Lannister,
Their mark the noble lion.
More like lyin’ with your sister,
You can’t tell me I am lyin’.
DRACO: Boo! You can’t rhyme “lion” with “lyin!”
GOYLE: That’s a triple homophone, that is.
SORTING HAT: Arryn, Greyjoy, Florent, Frey—
Let’s list the lesser houses…
DUMBLEDORE: What are you, an appendix? That is more than enough of that. Let’s get on with the sorting. We’ll start off with—HARRY POTTER!
DUMBLEDORE puts the hat on HARRY’S head.
HARRY: Please not Lannister, please not Lannister…
SORTING HAT: Yeah, they’re pretty much all evil bastards. Why do we even have a house like that? Anyway, better be… STARK!
DRACO: Forget about it. He probably doesn’t even have a hot sister.
SCENE 37: Exterior, Hogwarts. HARRY, RONN and HERMIONE run towards HAGRID’S shack.
HERMIONE: Hurry, Harry! Only Hagrid can tell us how to get past the magical guardian of—
RONN: Oh, no! Hagrid’s house is on fire! I knew he should never have bought that dragon egg!
Hagrid emerges from the flames, completely naked, a baby dragon clutched against his hairy chest.
HERMIONE: …Let’s just pretend this never happened, okay?
HARRY and RONN: Agreed.
SCENE 50: Interior, Hogwarts Great Hall.
DUMBLEDORE: –And finally, for wisdom, determination, and courage in the face of unnecessary nudity, 300 points for House Stark!
DRACO: That is bullshit!
DUMBLEDORE: Draco, that is quite enough!
DRACO: No, it isn’t! My family has taken over this miserable school, and I am the new headmaster now! Snape, kill this old fool!
SNAPE: Avada Beheadra!
Dumbledore is magically decapitated.
HARRY: Well, fuck.
NEXT TIME: THE NIGHT IS DARK AND FULL OF MUGGLES.